


all that it takes is a little reinvention

by Mallowleaf



Category: Thomas Sanders, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Confidence, Fluff and Angst, He wants to be more confident, I love my son, It's hard but he can do it, Self Confidence, Self Confidence Issues, Virgil tries to be better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-15 12:51:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12321447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mallowleaf/pseuds/Mallowleaf
Summary: It was a well known fact that Virgil was far from confident; he lacked most, if not all, the specific traits one needed to even be considered “confident” in any way. He wasn’t bold, he wasn’t fearless and he sure as hell wasn’t secure. He was everything the personification of anxiety entailed - nervous, uncertain and untrusting. That’s the way it had always been, and it looked like that was the way it was always going to be.  But if the others could change, why couldn’t he?(OR virgil takes steps to become more confident in himself)





	all that it takes is a little reinvention

con·fi·dence (noun)  
the feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities.

It was a well known fact that Virgil was far from confident; he lacked most, if not all, the specific traits one needed to even be considered “confident” in any way. He wasn’t bold, he wasn’t fearless and he sure as hell wasn’t secure. He was everything the personification of anxiety entailed - nervous, uncertain and untrusting. That’s the way it had always been, and it looked like that was the way it was always going to be. 

But Virgil refused. He didn’t want to be stuck in the same rut he had always been stuck in. If the others could change - (just look at Roman; the creative side had gone from hating Virgil’s very existence to discussing with Virgil the Disney movies he so enjoyed watching) - then what said Virgil couldn’t change as well?

\-----  
He started out small, with something that was barely noticeable; he painted his nails. Just a simple black color, nothing too drastic or fancy. It wasn’t exactly anything momentous, but Virgil can remember the days where he would paint his nails, walk towards his door and walk back, wiping all the polish off his nails before he left the room, embarrassed and nervous about what the others might say if they saw what he did.

It was nerve wracking, to be honest, walking out of his room with polish all over his nails, just waiting for someone to say something. Every step he took was another wave of panic that washed over him until it was all he could do to keep himself from running back into his room and pull out the nail polish remover.

The path to the kitchen, normally only a quick journey, felt like miles.

The other sides were already seated at their respective spots in the kitchen: Logan at the head of the table studying a book, Roman sitting with his back to the wall and chair up on two legs while frowning at notebook splayed open in front of him, and Patton standing at the end of the counter by the stove, attempting to cook something without burning down the mindscape. Virgil was always the last one up, always the last one (if he even came at all) into the kitchen, so his entrance didn’t gain much attention aside from the general “good mornings” that the other sides chorused.

A small weight fell off his chest. So far, so good

It wasn’t until Virgil reached up past Patton to grab his mug (black with grey stripes) that his nails were actually noticed at all. 

“Oh, Verge, your nails!” Patton said - squealed- in excitement and what sounded oddly like pride. The other two sides looked up in their direction, curious.

Virgil jerked his hand back into his chest, using the cup to shield his nails. “What about them?” His voice had taken on a defensive tone.

“Kiddo, they look great!” Patton gushed, attention completely taken away from the food that was seconds from bursting into flames on the stove and instead motioning at Virgil to show his nails again. He hesitated before reluctantly relinquishing his hand to Patton’s grasp.

Roman, with a clunk, dropped his chair to the floor and wandered over, peering over Virgil’s shoulders to catch a glimpse of his nails. Even Logan put down his book to see. Virgil flushed red under all the attention, and was immediately grateful for the foundation he had caked on before venturing down for breakfast. He tried to pull his hand away, but Patton was too strong.

“I get it, I painted my nails. Can I get my coffee now?”

“Patton’s right, My Chemical Disaster, they look good.” Roman mused, shooting a quick glance at Virgil before he held out his own hand next to Virgil’s. The nails on Roman’s hand were painted a much brighter shade of red, and were much neater than Virgil’s, who had spilled some polish all over his fingers. “Now we match!”

Virgil wanted to point out that Roman’s nails looked much better that his own, and that the creative facet pulled off the nail polish look better than he ever could, but instead he kept his mouth shut, shrugged and did his best to mask the small smile that grew onto his face into his sleeve.

\---  
The next thing he did was slightly bigger than painted nails, but could still be considered small by some standards: he started to wear makeup.

Of course, he already wore makeup, just basic foundation and dark eyeshadow smeared under his eyes to conceal the bags that were a result of little sleep. But it had been pointed out - (by Roman no less) - that Virgil’s “makeup” could hardly be considered makeup at all; it was merely a defense, a metaphorical suit of armor to protect him from the outside world, not a look.

So Virgil took the challenge and decided to add to his so called “look”. He started small, with basic eyeliner and mascara; subtle enough that it wasn’t too noticeable, but something different. It had taken him three tries and five hours of putting on and wiping off the makeup before he finally forced himself out of his room, his heart pounding erratically and his thoughts screaming at a mile a minute.

He walked into the main commons where the other sides and Thomas were meeting to discuss ideas for the latest upcoming video. He took up his spot on the stairs, the spot he had claimed for every video and every meeting ever since Thomas had summoned him for the first time. But as soon as he had gotten himself settled, Patton frowned at him.

“Why are you so far away? Come on over kiddo, we don’t bite!”

“Princey might,” Virgil deadpanned, trying to cover up his discomfort at being called out. He rose to his feet, a bit unsteady, and slowly walked over to the group.

The others fell back into the discussion that Virgil wasn’t exactly sure was about; he had come late and didn’t want to interrupt them to ask what was going on. He knew that if they needed him (key word: if) they would bring him into the conversation. So he stayed quiet, nodding when the others nodded and trying to look like he knew what was going on. 

The discussion only lasted for a few more minutes; they had finished the draft and Thomas had assured Virgil that tomorrow they would let him look over it to make sure everything was okay before letting the sides sink back down into the mindscape. Patton skipped off to the kitchen to make lunch and Logan retreated to his room, mumbling under his breath about a headache, leaving Roman and Virgil alone.

Virgil started towards the hallway, intending to follow in Logan’s footsteps, both disappointed and relieved that nobody noticed the makeup he had on. Until Roman stopped him in his tracks.

“Were you wearing makeup?” Roman asked, squinting in Virgil’s direction, trying to discern the difference between what Virgil normally wore and what he had on today.

Virgil reddened. “Just some eyeliner and mascara. Nothing crazy. Surprised you didn’t notice sooner, Princey. You were the one who insulted my eyeshadow in the first place.”

Roman opened his mouth and closed it, as if meaning to say something before thinking better of it. Instead he cleared his throat and said instead, “It suits you, Hot Topic. Now, if you excuse me, I must assist Patton in the kitchen.”

Roman nodded at Virgil before turning on his heel and walking towards the kitchen. Virgil stood there for a few minutes, cheeks hot, trying to control his racing heart and wondering what the small, unfamiliar feeling of warmth that was expanding in his chest was.

\----  
Virgil stared at the jeans he lay out on his bed in apprehension. They were black skinny jeans, similar to every other identical pair of jeans he owned, except for the small fact they were ripped around the place where his knees would be. Virgil had just one pair of ripped jeans amid his hundred of jeans, and he would often pull it out of the closet, look at it in admiration and put it back, not wanting to put it on and expose any more skin than he had to.

But he had been doing so good with his nails (he managed to paint his nails last week without spilling it on his floor) and makeup (he hadn’t advanced from the eyeliner and mascara, but had been making an effort to put it on every day, even when they were filming, and had managed to cut down on the time it had taken himself to convince himself to walk out of his room with the makeup on) that he decided he should probably keep up the effort. 

Which led him here. Sitting on his floor wondering if his little “experiment” was worth putting on jeans that showed skin. He can’t remember the last time he had worn something other than jeans and and a shirt with his oversized sweatshirt covering any and all skin that might have been showing, and doesn’t exactly want to break his streak.

He knows he’s being ridiculous, but knowing something and actually carrying out something are two whole different things. What he doesn’t know is why he ever thought he could actually do this; he always did this to himself, always managed to get close to a coveted goal but then fell short because he couldn’t muster up the courage to follow through with it. 

Pushing a hand through his hair, he sighed and looked at the clock. Time was wasting away, slipping through his fingers, and yet he couldn’t make a decision.

Someone knocked on his door and a voice - Logan’s voice -filtered through the wood: “Patton sent me up to check in on your progress. Are you doing alright?” There was a pause, as Logan waited for an answer and Virgil didn’t supply one, before the logical side spoke up again. “May I enter?”

Virgil rolled his eyes and pushed himself off the floor to pull the door open. Virgil knew that no matter how much he ignored the other sides, if Patton was behind their interference there would be no avoiding them. Behind the door Logan stood with his hands hanging loosely by his side. When Virgil opened it, he raised an eyebrow.

“I may not be an expert on emotions, but it appears as though something is wrong.” Logan said bluntly, looking at Virgil like one might look at a science experiment. “Is there anything I might be able to do to assist you?”

“It’s stupid, don’t worry about it.” Virgil said, trying to squeeze past Logan into the hallway. “Let’s just go.”

Logan placed a hand on Virgil’s shoulder, effectively stopping him from walking past him. Virgil jumped at the sudden contact. “If there is anything we have learned from Thomas, there is nothing stupid about what you may be feeling. However, I might not be the most adequate person to be discussing this; would you like me to get Patton or Roman?” Logan looked a bit pained at admitting that he didn’t know something, and Virgil was struck with appreciation for the older side; besides, a logical approach would probably be more helpful than an emotional one at the moment.

“It’s just that, for the past few weeks I’ve been trying to - push myself to, I don’t know, be better? And it feels like I hit a wall. I can’t - move on - and, I don’t know, it feels like I’m failing.” Virgil muttered, feeling embarrassed. He isn’t one to talk about his “feelings” (no matter how hard Patton tries to get him to) and even this small confession makes him feel like he just ran a mile. 

“Well,” Logan said, adjusting his glasses, “I would first like to commemorate you and your efforts. It is not easy to recognize flaws in yourself, and the fact that you have and are making a conscious effort to change is remarkable. And while it may seem that the little progress you are making is of little importance, even a little progress is progress.”

“Wow, that was really deep.” Virgil said, only half joking. 

Logan raised an eyebrow. “I am going to assume that was a compliment. Now, are you going to join us downstairs?”

Virgil brushed his hands on his jeans and shot a quick glance back towards his bed. “Actually,” he said slowly, “I’ll be down in a minute. Could you-”

“I will inform Patton.” Logan said with a nod. He tightened his tie and, before heading downstairs, Logan gave Virgil a small smile. Virgil smiled back before he closed his door and headed back to the bed where the jeans lay.

He stared at them, his old worries jostling around in his head for attention, but he pushed them aside and grabbed the jeans. He quickly swapped out the jeans he was wearing for the ripped ones, trying not to think about all the reasons he shouldn’t do this. 

He stood in front of the mirror nervously, hands shoved into his pockets to hide their trembling. He stared down at his feet, not wanting to look, but finally he managed to tear his gaze away from the ground and looked himself in the eyes. He looked tired and pale and nervous. 

But…

If he was going to be honest (something he wasn’t accustomed to) he didn’t look that bad. He looked - good, actually. 

A warm feeling, similar to the one he had felt before, expanded through his chest. It felt… nice. 

He glanced down at the floor again before risking a second glance, sending his reflection a tentative smile. 

\----  
The living room was warm and comfortable, and sitting wedged between Patton and the arm of the couch, Virgil felt like he belonged. 

He had shed his sweatshirt only a few minutes ago, when the fleece that lined the sweatshirt became too uncomfortable in the elevated levels of heat in the commons. Virgil had pretended not notice how Patton had beamed when he sat closer to the group or Logan’s nod of approval when he had dumped his sweatshirt over the back of couch or the small smiles Roman gave him whenever their eyes met. 

It was a big step for him and everyone present knew that. He was silently grateful for the way the others didn't attack him with questions. They just let him be, directing the majority of their attention to the movie playing on the television screen. It gave him the space he needed, letting him instead focus on the warmth of Patton's shoulder pressing into his own, the way Roman recited lines he knew by heart along with the movie and the way Logan pretended to not be paying attention the movie but was really watching with well-controlled interest.

When he had first taken off his jacket, he anticipated suffocating levels anxiety to wash over him. After all, he couldn’t remember the last time he had pulled off his sweatshirt outside of his room, let alone in front of the others. But instead, he had felt lighter, freer, almost - relaxed.

Virgil knew that he would retreat back into his jacket eventually; he still hadn’t gotten over the majority of his fears and anxieties. But he was making progress, and that was okay - he was slowly chipping away at the walls that held him back, and things were slowly getting better for himself and, by extension, Thomas. 

Virgil settled himself deeper into the couch and focused on the colorful characters dancing across the screen. For the first time since he can remember, he felt truly happy.

**Author's Note:**

> +heyyy guys! i'm back again with a second fic for this amazing fandom. this fic took me literal AGES but i'm so proud of it. hope you like it!
> 
> +my tumblr is @purplepatton so come and chat with me!
> 
> +remember to leave kudos and comments! thoughts, questions, critiques, favorite movies - it's all appreciated!! 
> 
> +thanks so much for reading!


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